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Understand

>>Understand
 
TITLE: Understand
AUTHOR: ultraviolet9a
SPOILER: General spoilers for both seasons, mostly for Season 2 esp the finale.
GENRE: Gen.
CHARACTERS: Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester, some OC I can’t mention.
SUMMARY: It would spoil everything. But this is about Sam. And it’s about Dean. But…not…the way you might think. And it moves towards a climax.
RATING: PG-13
FEEDBACK: Dude…duh. 
DISCLAIMER: You kidding me? If I did own them I’d feed them cheesecake and hide them in my closet.
NOTE: theladyscribewas distributing plot bunnies for adoption. I stole the wee on that said “I have a brother. His name’s Dean Winchester”. Which also tied in with found_fic_spnprompt nr 5.
 
 
“I have a brother. His name’s Dean Winchester.”
 
“Son…”
 
Sam lifted his open palm as if to tell him to stop. He had to find the right words, the words that could talk and hold his brother, the words that would tell how Dean Winchester walked in bowlegs and bright smiles and thought he was God’s gift to women, and goddammit, if Sam was to judge by the way they reacted to him, maybe he just was.
 
Words were important. Didn’t have to dwell in mojo and spells, didn’t have to be four years in a fucking law school to know that.
Somewhere in the pool of human language, there had to be the right words to dress Dean up, the feral tom-cat he was. He fucked a lot, he ate a lot, he grinned a lot, he fought a lot, tooth and nail and bite and fist. Seemed to have cat’s lives too, the way he always thought his were expendable.
 
Words like on the drawing of Batman Sam drew in the third grade For Dean, cuz he’s the best big brother in the world and how dad kept it stuck on the fridge for a week till they moved out again and it somehow got lost. Words that could tell how Sam felt when he found the drawing tucked away frayed and tattered in Dean’s shoulder bag after all these years.
 
There were words like princess and bitch that could be dealt with jerk. There were words like Sammy and those couldn’t be dealt with, there was nothing to deal with there. Just the occasional it’s Sam, cuz dude, seriously, what would the point of having a brother be if you didn’t bitch and fuck about, no?
 
Dean’s name the first word Sam said, according to dad.
 
“Sam…”
 
“Wait.”
 
Words were tricky little bastards and he had to catch them.
 
He had to find the right ones that would make faded memories spring back to life, of Dean feeding him, bathing him, reading him stories, playing with him, helping time pass along with all those miles in the back seat of the Impala.
 
Clearer memories that carried scent and fucked-upness, of hunts and teenage angst and Dean giving Sam a few pointers on how to score with Letty in the janitor’s closet, and dude, of course Sam knew, it was mortifying, his bro telling him how to get in Letty’s pants? But, come on. Sam was just younger, ok? With pimples and height and long legs and arms he didn’t known half the time what to do with and the tongue always saying the wrong words around girls. Cuz words…words were important, even back then, and oh god, how much had Sam laughed when Dolores had refused to put out for Dean because Dean had accidentally called her Annie.
 
Words. Important. Even syllables, like Sam laughing that at least he got the name’s girl right, and the syllables of Dean’s chuckle when he let Sam walk half a mile behind the car just cuz he kept on wondering how on earth Dean could have gotten the name so far off, not like he called her Darla or something, but Annie? Not one syllable matched to Dolores and no, walking hadn’t been fun, but seeing Dean all hot and bothered had been worth it, or so he told himself even as he massaged his sore leg muscles.
 
Fresher memories that needed words to restrain them, keep the life of them toned down just like Dean did with Sam and dad, keeping the balance between them like a fucking see-saw. A memory that burnt like a fresh scar of Dean watching Sam’s Greyhound leave for Stanford and Sam could swear he kept on dreaming about the way Dean looked his first months there, had to dig deep in his nails not to call him back, cuz if you didn’t burn a bridge, it’d always be there for the walk-back.
 
Memories blazing like fire and scorching like one, on ceilings and nightmares and back on the road and Dean his safe anchor of sanity and all that mess, all that fucking mess and the fucking demon, and Dean never complaining.
 
There had to be words for this, words for how much weight Dean carried on his shoulders, words for how he carried Sam’s own and was thankful for the chance he had to do it.
 
“Sam…”
 
“No, it’s important,” Sam said and no, his hands weren’t shaky, they were just like his mind, trying to grope and catch the right words and syllables and spin the true tale, of how Dean was like just one skin trapping pain as the pyre burnt, of how pain turned to rage as he smashed his baby (one and only time ever), of how Dean never let go, but held on, always held on to Sam.
 
Cuz there had to be words. There had to be words that could contain the love and joy Dean was made of, with his singing on top of his lungs miles stretching ahead and his no chick flick moment comments and his wise cracks, in the way he grinned and flicked Sam’s ear when Sam was bitchin’ that fuck off, this job blows, getting in prison is just fucking stupid, you know, Dean? 
 
Important. It was important to say everything right, and there was so much to cram into words that seemed too few and he still hadn’t said that Dean was a goddamn hero, with his offer to figure everything out and keep Sam safe, with the way he always tried to follow a code he set for himself, hunting things, saving people, the family business, keeping his debts clean and it didn’t matter that he looked all glowing and alive when he had to lie and hustled pool and could fool even the best con artist in the world, because in his heart Dean wasn’t a conman but a knight, grimy, world-weary knight, and the ends mattered.
 
How could Sam fit all that in sentences and make him see? Of how Dean held him when he died screaming his name before darkness swallowed Sam whole. That he didn’t let go and brought him back throwing his life on the table without even blinking. That he made the one true bullet fly and not miss. That he never missed, not with his heart.
 
It was important that he’d see. It was important that he’d get it. Sam put his palm back down. Opened his mouth.
 
“I have a brother,” he said. Words slipped away as quick as time, as 365 days, 52 weeks, 12 months. As one year, the crossroads, Sam’s defeat. Sam knew there were no words that would ever describe Dean waiting for the hellhounds saying Don’t worry about it, Sammy.
 
Words were important. Sam understood them, even if they were never told. Like I love you.
 
And truth…truth was important too. Even if it gutted him.
 
“I had a brother,” Sam said, words tripping in his mouth, then rushing out like a stream. “And I lost him. So you gotta understand, Bobby. You gotta understand. I’m opening the gate again. Cuz there’s no fucking way I’m leaving him down there. Please understand, Bobby. I’m getting him back. With or without you so you either stand by my side or you stand aside, cuz I swear on my brother’s soul, Bobby, nothing will stop me.”
 
“Sam…”
 
“Do you understand, Bobby? Do you?”
 
“You had a brother,” Bobby simply said. He understood them too, even if they were never told. Like I’ll have a brother again. Conman, see, always hearing the world see-saw from words to deeds.
 
“I had a brother,” Sam said and closed his fingers around the Colt.
 
-The End.
 
SIDENOTE: big hugs and cheesecake to  e313who helped me decide that determination works better than desperation when your name is Sam.
 
Also? Dean and Dolores incident? I’ve mentioned it before in The Opposite of Talking. One of these days I’ll have to flesh it out.

Comments

( 75 have shined — Play nice and shine on )
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taniapretender
Jun. 14th, 2007 06:46 pm (UTC)
I LOVE the way you write, dude.

I figured this is what sam would do too. IT's not like the devil's trap of doom would be re-opened too, right ?
ultraviolet9a
Jun. 14th, 2007 07:33 pm (UTC)
Heh! Thank you! :)

And no, I don't think the trap would be reopened, but even if it would, I still think Sam would go. He just would.
brin_bailey
Jun. 14th, 2007 07:06 pm (UTC)
Oh, wow.

That was just beautiful and intense. I love the whole repetition of "words" and, just, yeah, wow.

You have such a great style.
ultraviolet9a
Jun. 14th, 2007 07:35 pm (UTC)
Thank you! *glee*

(I got to read your darkfic. Speaking of styles, reading yours pleases me, so... :) )
tsuki_no_bara
Jun. 14th, 2007 07:14 pm (UTC)
i love how obvious sam's love and admiration for his brother are in this, and i love the fond and frustrating memories, and i love sam's focus on getting the right words - he's the talky one, you know? dean would just go, but sam needs to be able to say why it's so important.

>>determination works better than desperation when your name is Sam<<

well, that and he's a winchester, and they are stubborn sons-of-bitches. dean would've gone into hell for john, and if the roles were reversed he'd go into hell for sam, so of course sam would try to open the door to hell to get dean back.
ultraviolet9a
Jun. 14th, 2007 07:46 pm (UTC)
Thank you! For some reason I thought Sam would really, really need to be wordy about this. And make Bobby see, you know?
(no subject) - tsuki_no_bara - Jun. 14th, 2007 08:29 pm (UTC) - Expand
hiyacynth
Jun. 14th, 2007 07:23 pm (UTC)
Oh, my dear, sweet, stubborn Sam. You're just glorious.

Lovely as always, my dear. See? One-Shot Wonder strikes again.

Ugh. Back to my studying. Winchesters are so much more interesting... Thanks for the diversion.
ultraviolet9a
Jun. 14th, 2007 08:15 pm (UTC)
Heh! The pool creator likes this! I'm full glee now! :)

Wouldn't it be interesting if you actually studied the Winchesters? (not that we don't already...)
albeitslowly
Jun. 14th, 2007 08:11 pm (UTC)
Oh yeah, Sam's definitely going in after him. I think I'll actually be disappointed if they figure out a way to get him out of the deal, because this kickass, get the f*** out of my way cuz I'm going in! Sam is way cooler than that emo guilt-ridden one that's so popular in this fandom.

Loved this bunches.

Tracy
ultraviolet9a
Jun. 14th, 2007 08:17 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it!

And yes, I'm a bit partical to kickass Sam myself. We're talking about the guy who took out two SWAT guys in seconds. Now THAT'S the mode I'm talking about. :)
innie_darling
Jun. 14th, 2007 08:32 pm (UTC)
in his heart Dean wasn’t a conman but a knight, grimy, world-weary knight What a beautiful image.
ultraviolet9a
Jun. 14th, 2007 08:40 pm (UTC)
Thank you! So glad you liked it, esp the knight!Dean.
tabaqui
Jun. 14th, 2007 09:15 pm (UTC)
Ooh, man. Yeah. Words *are* important and there's no way to say all the words that Dean meant to Sam, just...'i had a brother'.

Perfect stuff.
ultraviolet9a
Jun. 15th, 2007 06:49 pm (UTC)
Heh! Thank you! I love love love words. Words are important, so yeah, in my head it all somehow made sense.
iamstealthyone
Jun. 14th, 2007 09:31 pm (UTC)
*whimpers*

Ow, ow, ow. Sam’s just so lost and hurting and desperate and needing here, it breaks my heart.

Really nicely done, dear. It leaves me wanting to have a good cry.

Favorite lines:

He fucked a lot, he ate a lot, he grinned a lot, he fought a lot, tooth and nail and bite and fist.

Great description, especially that last bit.

Words that could tell how Sam felt when he found the drawing tucked away frayed and tattered in Dean’s shoulder bag after all these years.

Aww. Dean’s such a softie.

because in his heart Dean wasn’t a conman but a knight, grimy, world-weary knight, and the ends mattered.

Love this description.

Sam knew there were no words that would ever describe Dean waiting for the hellhounds saying Don’t worry about it, Sammy.

Oh, boys. This just hurts.

“I had a brother,” Sam said and closed his fingers around the Colt.

Great ending. *hugs Sam for hours and hours*
ultraviolet9a
Jun. 15th, 2007 06:56 pm (UTC)
Thank you! Sam's very huggy. Yes.
buffyaddict13
Jun. 14th, 2007 10:01 pm (UTC)
*WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPP*

oh, the pain, the pain.

*dies*

omg woman, you are magic with the words. i love LOVE how sam is searching for the words, how beautiful it is, how terrible. AND the colt at the end.

hang on dean! sammy's comin to getchoo!

Memories blazing like fire and scorching like one, on ceilings and nightmares and back on the road and Dean his safe anchor of sanity and all that mess, all that fucking mess and the fucking demon, and Dean never complaining.

i could easily quote, like, every paragraph you write, but this is just. so. brilliant. it shines, baby. just like you.

ultraviolet9a
Jun. 15th, 2007 06:58 pm (UTC)
Aw, hon. Thank you. *feels all shiny* I'm glad you liked it, and boy, am I glad I went with the determined Sam version and not the fullfledged desperate one.
(no subject) - buffyaddict13 - Jun. 16th, 2007 05:48 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - ultraviolet9a - Jun. 16th, 2007 04:32 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - buffyaddict13 - Jun. 17th, 2007 10:57 pm (UTC) - Expand
theladyscribe
Jun. 14th, 2007 10:07 pm (UTC)
Dude. That's bleeding amazing.

At first, I thought it was Henricksen Sam was talking to, but this? This is way better.

And I still need a Bobby icon.
ultraviolet9a
Jun. 15th, 2007 06:59 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I'm glad the little twist worked, I kind of liked it. :)

You can use mine if you want to
angharadd
Jun. 14th, 2007 10:32 pm (UTC)
You broke my heart, you evil, evil woman. /cries, hugging a dog/

You've captured Dean so well here, just like always - his love for life, his visceral-ness (going on too few hours of sleep makes me invent nonsensical words. Whatever), his relationship with Sam. So much love.

/goes off to cry some more/
ultraviolet9a
Jun. 15th, 2007 07:01 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I'm glad you liked it! But...not breaking your heart.

And, dude, get some sleep! Sleep is good! Sleep is important! Dean would approve! Go! Sleep!
saberivojo
Jun. 15th, 2007 12:25 am (UTC)
Wow. Just wonderful. This is Dean's whole life as it relates to Sam. Dean the tom cat. Dean the mentor. Dean the mediator. Dean the non-conman. And yeah...Dean the brother. I love that he is talking to Bobby. I love that Bobby's first word to Sam is "Son" That in itself just breaks me a little more. There is really nothing else for Sam to do. Thank you for this powerfully written fic.
ultraviolet9a
Jun. 15th, 2007 07:02 pm (UTC)
Dean is a lot of things, but you're right, for Sam Dean is HIS BROTHER. Enough said. :)

Thanks for reading.
embroiderama
Jun. 15th, 2007 12:45 am (UTC)
Oh, yeah. I love that Sam has to get it out, has to get it straight for himself and for Bobby, just how important Dean is, just how much Sam needs him back.
ultraviolet9a
Jun. 15th, 2007 07:04 pm (UTC)
And he will get him back. Oh he will. (HEAR THAT, KRIPKE?) *cough*

Thanks for reading.
zelost_mind
Jun. 15th, 2007 12:58 am (UTC)
Oh, I have so much love for this. Seriously, I think I could quote lines all night if I let myself get into it. Your creativeness sleighs me, once again. :D

This one:He fucked a lot, he ate a lot, he grinned a lot, he fought a lot, tooth and nail and bite and fist. Seemed to have cat’s lives too, the way he always thought his were expendable.
Just... It gave me goosebumps, man.

And as innie_darling said: in his heart Dean wasn’t a conman but a knight, grimy, world-weary knight. It is such a wonderful image and I love that this is all in Sam's head y'know? That he still hero-worships his big brother like he did when he was a little boy.

Yeah. You really get across that Sam loves Dean just as fiercely as Dean loves Sam. I adore that.

*happy sigh*

ultraviolet9a
Jun. 15th, 2007 07:06 pm (UTC)
*happy sigh* You talk. I listen. Me happy. :)

And yeah, younger siblings? They tend to heroworship big brothers. *sigh*
quellefromage
Jun. 15th, 2007 02:43 am (UTC)
Oh, yes. I thought, when Dean threw that gun in the trunk, "well, there's one way to get him out of hell."

This was touching. Sam remembering, and Sam, unwilling to let go.

Sniff. This is gonna be a tough year.
ultraviolet9a
Jun. 15th, 2007 07:08 pm (UTC)
Oh yes. I think Kripke will slay us all. *sigh*

Thank you for reading.
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Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colours. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving.

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